the way we wore.

alright, we've talked about my crazy obsession with Balenciaga by Nicholas Ghesquiere right? so anywho, look who decided to pump gas in a very fabulous jap-inspired wrap dress.

clearly nicole richie is tres chic! epitome of fashion fabulous-ness. here, the fuction of an arm is redefined by nicole: as rails for the mustard-yellow balenciaga city motorcycle to hang off on.

tres chic. tres fab! it's very konnichiwa/samurai chic yo! behold the bejewelled t-mobile sidekick glowing like temple lanterns. i want them!







meanwhile. lindsay lohan clearly is a fashion miss in july's Harper's Bazaar! what a waste of a good equestrian-inspired balenciaga outfit! ms lohan needs to just stick to carrying the bags and leave the editorial spreads to the likes of kate hudson. incidentally, ms hudson is on the cover of july Vogue . talk about hottness! that's why Vogue's the leading fashion mag in the world. it's like the fashion bible. anna wintour is good at picking the right people. glenda bailey still got lots to learn from the great. looks like the shoes left by the legendary late liz tilberis were too big for her to fill. pity actually. i really do love harper's and i adore lindsay. but my love for balenciaga runs a little bit furhter!




need i say more?

anyways, thanks to justjared for the pictures!

wot's happening?

wot is happening to me. why am i unloading my emotional insecurities and woteva crap onto phil!?

stop it princess sparkle. deal with it yourself. they have enough problems of their own, they don't need to be burden by yours!

i am a smart person. wot happened? why have i let my insecurities take over my life? my world? my everything? is it my diet? not per se. part of it. but not in it's entirety. it magnifies certain things.

just get over it please. if you have to throw yourself up against the wall then just do it!

envy hurts so much..

i am starting to develop a disorder. a compulsive need to get even thinner or smaller. i keep staring at myself through the mirror. i'm convinced that something is wrong. i don't think i'm any smaller. sure i'm now able to fit into smaller clothes and smaller jeans. yes, i am now able to pull off a pair of dorothy perkin's women's capri. but it's al too odd for me.

i keep thinking i am fat. and that i am getting fatter with each bite-sized meal that i took. i could not stop myself from feeling guilty after a meal. i'd guilt myself to stop eating. if i was really hungry, i'd take a small bite of something. but that made it even worse. just makes me think i'm cheating on my own body. on my whole regime. no wonder i'm not losing enough weight. no wonder i am still fat.

i get cold easily nowadays. my face is slightly sunken. almost skeletal? ok, i think i exaggerate but that's how it is when your face and your body and everything else about you are not proportionate. i hate it. when i get smaller, my face gets even smaller. but nothing else changed. at least i think so.

i hate how my nose is not sharp or slightly pointed. i think my lips are lob-sided. the right side is thinner than the left. i don't have full lips. i thought i had nice lips and a nice smile. well, at least that's what people told me. but what were they looking at? everything about me is so disproportionate. how can they even look at me.

no longer do i question why no one in clubs have tried to pick me up thus far. i mean, since i've got this "new" body of course. maybe i wasn't paying attention but thre's just something about the whole deal. it just sickens me.

Sunday saw us pulling an impromptu clubbing act to Happy. and so, i had no one trying to dance with me. perhaps it's my dressing. missJ said that my top was slightly too big. but i dunno. i think i am going crazy. i hate this.

insomnia galore. this is the *fill in number here* night that i am staying up this late. i haven't been able to sleep early nowadays. i think it's the side effects of the pills. my moods are rather erratic. and i think i'm going crazy. emotional overload.

my thought process has been rather incoherent lately as well. evidently so in this post. i need to re-group. fuck. i don't know what the fuck is going on anymore.

i envy the thin. the beautiful. the perfect. i want to be emaciated as well. but it hurts. badly.

D.I.L.F

so i work in an art school for kids. basically, i'm like their PR person. so i get to meet the parents as they send their children for the art classes.

at the present moment, a dad is sitting across the room from me and my gosh he's droolsome. see, parents are allowed to wait for their kids if they want to and we have a big couch -casting couch size- for them to lounge around and wait. and he's just sitting there, or rather lying back into the couch so far, i'm tempted to go over and straddle him.

he's wearing a pair of khaki berms with those colourful pair of birkinstocks. las week he came in matching crocs sandals with his boy. they're so adorable and he's so cute i can hardly contain myself. jin pointed him out to me. i didn't think he was that droolsome before. just a normal good looking dad but he's so gentle with his son, it melts me to see them together.

i can't believe i'm thinking of naughty thoughts about my student's dad but can't help it, can i? lust and love hit you when you least expects it.

i like the twinkle in his eyes everytime he smiles as orwynn (that's the son) runs up to him after class for a hug and to show his daddy the art piece he had just done.

i think i'm going to get one of my own! hah. a father (note: NOT a granddad!) figure. i'll go cambodia and adopt a child and africa to adopt another one. i can't exactly give birth in namibia though. ah well, we'll see how things go! heh. i'm a bit smitten by him. i want to talk to him. i want to hear his deep fatherly voice. why am i always falling for the wrong type of people!!

bleargh!

at the moment now, i'm thinking of nothing else but orwynn's dad! (:

"There's a somebody I'm longin' to see
I hope that he, turns out to be
Someone who'll watch over me

I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood
I know I could, always be good
To one who'll watch over me

He may not be the man some
Girls think of as handsome
To my heart he carries the key

Won't you tell him please to put on some speed
Follow my lead, oh, how I need
Someone to watch over me"
- Someone To Watch Over Me ~ Billie Holiday

defeaning silence

sometimes when i have too much time and start to think, my heart sinks knowing of the unequal fight that my soul has against my body. and then i feel the desperation rising. i feel the need to get out. to be at ease. i'm afraid the turmoil within my body will take over. encapsulate me and drown me with bitter hate and sorrow. and then it would be futile to resist. because then i'm fighting a losing battle.

because when the body and soul fight and are imbalanced. they slowly but gradually and painfully, destroy one another until the soul, with blunt obediance, yields before the body and be a slave to it's carnal desires.

am i?

missJ and i are getting awfully close. ok, maybe i feel that i am awfully close to missJ. it's like as if i have feelings for him. that in itself is unfathomable. an impossibility, for lack of better words. we are both too alike to have feelings for one another.

i had time to think about wot it is that i'm feeling towards him. for the moment, i like being with him. sitting beside him. conversing with him. subconcisouly, i think i began to parade him like as though he IS my boyfriend. i suppose that's why i'm not out looking for love. i suppose i made myself believe that i don't need it. i just need him.

as i sat in my seat on the bus back home with my hands on his thigh and staring out to the kallang river, i couldn't help but wonder. why is that there's this strong connection and feelings from me to him when we both know it cannot happen.

the more i thought about it. the clearer it became. i am not in love with him but i love his closeness. i love the way we are. everytime he is apart, i miss him and each time he is with me, i'm afraid that i'll miss him again. i kow i just want to be his friend but somehow that isn't enough.

it's crazy how i keep 'falling' for the wrong people. if i didn't know better, i'd say that it's all pre-planned to make my life miserable! hah.

for the love of god!

I'm suffering from a huge case of office-boredom. at the present moment i am contemplating reading bergdorf blondes for the upteen times. i simply am bored. the past few weeks have been crazy, what with parents calling up to sign the children up for our holiday workshops and me preparing the worksheets for the tutors and ensuring the enrolment goes all nice and smooth.. but once the workshops begin... silence. i have nothing to do at the moment other than the fact that i have to sit in my desk, staring at my computer screen and blog-surf.

thank god for internet connection in this office or i swear i'll go crazy! so my days, for at least the past few, has been coming to office at nine and checking my emails, reading fridae profiles. reading pinkisthenewblog, blogsurf, chatting on the phone and discovering that youtube has an x-rated version known as xtube! how itneresting! hah! youtube's collection of gay-friendly videos (not porn, just semi) is quite extensive and good. but sex in the office. not exactly my cuppa tea. well unless the boss is hott.. in my case no, because my boss is a woman and it's her boyfriend that's hott!

urgh, i'm a complete sex-crazed slut. ok, not really since i never did have sex. hmmm, the brett-encounter, doesn't count! but yeah, it has been such for a couple of weeks now. like i craze sex. but of course stopped short of actually going out and getting some. bleargh. i need help.

anyways, i've discovered something new today as i randomly blog surf. i discovered an entire gay community on opendiary.com.. amazing! i spent the last 3 hours just reading through almost everyone of the different blogs and entries. interesting. interesting. maybe i should start an OD as well. might increase my chances of actually having a man interested in me! hah! i'm talking rubbish again. oh it's the boredom talking.

my colleague is not in at the moment. she left to settle some problems with some school. having said that, she's leaving tonight for the US of A to send her brother off to school. bleargh.. i'll be alone in this office - apart from the occasional interruption from the boss and the special appearances by the asst boss - for practically the whole of next week! argh! i'm not anticipating that.

what i am anticipating, however, is my trip to Italy which is happening in 8 days! i cannot wait. who could!? it's so exciting. i think it's fun travelling with friends. except we're going on this tour thing, which kinda spoils alot of it for me. other than that i'm cool. i'll just try to listen whenever i feel like it. the next time i go on a trip with my friends, i am definitely gonna try out travelling backpacking style! it'll be brill!

oh gosh, the excitement is getting to me, it's beyond!