envy hurts so much..

i am starting to develop a disorder. a compulsive need to get even thinner or smaller. i keep staring at myself through the mirror. i'm convinced that something is wrong. i don't think i'm any smaller. sure i'm now able to fit into smaller clothes and smaller jeans. yes, i am now able to pull off a pair of dorothy perkin's women's capri. but it's al too odd for me.

i keep thinking i am fat. and that i am getting fatter with each bite-sized meal that i took. i could not stop myself from feeling guilty after a meal. i'd guilt myself to stop eating. if i was really hungry, i'd take a small bite of something. but that made it even worse. just makes me think i'm cheating on my own body. on my whole regime. no wonder i'm not losing enough weight. no wonder i am still fat.

i get cold easily nowadays. my face is slightly sunken. almost skeletal? ok, i think i exaggerate but that's how it is when your face and your body and everything else about you are not proportionate. i hate it. when i get smaller, my face gets even smaller. but nothing else changed. at least i think so.

i hate how my nose is not sharp or slightly pointed. i think my lips are lob-sided. the right side is thinner than the left. i don't have full lips. i thought i had nice lips and a nice smile. well, at least that's what people told me. but what were they looking at? everything about me is so disproportionate. how can they even look at me.

no longer do i question why no one in clubs have tried to pick me up thus far. i mean, since i've got this "new" body of course. maybe i wasn't paying attention but thre's just something about the whole deal. it just sickens me.

Sunday saw us pulling an impromptu clubbing act to Happy. and so, i had no one trying to dance with me. perhaps it's my dressing. missJ said that my top was slightly too big. but i dunno. i think i am going crazy. i hate this.

insomnia galore. this is the *fill in number here* night that i am staying up this late. i haven't been able to sleep early nowadays. i think it's the side effects of the pills. my moods are rather erratic. and i think i'm going crazy. emotional overload.

my thought process has been rather incoherent lately as well. evidently so in this post. i need to re-group. fuck. i don't know what the fuck is going on anymore.

i envy the thin. the beautiful. the perfect. i want to be emaciated as well. but it hurts. badly.