am i?

missJ and i are getting awfully close. ok, maybe i feel that i am awfully close to missJ. it's like as if i have feelings for him. that in itself is unfathomable. an impossibility, for lack of better words. we are both too alike to have feelings for one another.

i had time to think about wot it is that i'm feeling towards him. for the moment, i like being with him. sitting beside him. conversing with him. subconcisouly, i think i began to parade him like as though he IS my boyfriend. i suppose that's why i'm not out looking for love. i suppose i made myself believe that i don't need it. i just need him.

as i sat in my seat on the bus back home with my hands on his thigh and staring out to the kallang river, i couldn't help but wonder. why is that there's this strong connection and feelings from me to him when we both know it cannot happen.

the more i thought about it. the clearer it became. i am not in love with him but i love his closeness. i love the way we are. everytime he is apart, i miss him and each time he is with me, i'm afraid that i'll miss him again. i kow i just want to be his friend but somehow that isn't enough.

it's crazy how i keep 'falling' for the wrong people. if i didn't know better, i'd say that it's all pre-planned to make my life miserable! hah.