bag lady!

i'm in love.

nicholas ghesquiere is pure genius. he's so talented, creative and french! hah. i have this strong affinity for frenchmen. they're all so chic. so romantic. so ambiguos. so mysterious-o, curios-o, renee russ-o! ok. that's a joke. but yeah. nicholas has swept me off my feet in a whirlwind romance. i didn't know that i would fall so hard for him when i first saw the motorcycle 2 years back. but now, as time goes by.. i'm truly in love. head over heels. drowning in love! he is the "new messiah!"

the weekender is, at the moment, my target purchase. it's too expensive but nicholas has got me hooked! he knows how to grab you by the balls and make you crumble to your knees worshipping the masterpiece.

urgh. but it's so expensive! i emailed luisaviaroma in Italy 2 weeks back with regards to my purchase. my forum friends recommended me the site as they give good rates. the reply came yesterday and the weekender costs a whopping 1,045 euros! in other words, after conversion, it'll cost me S$2,100. argh! i don't think i can afford such luxurious splurge. besides, it's only available in black or dark brown.

but we'll see how. nicholas will produce the weekender in bordeaux/grenat. kinda reddish/marroon. i'm hoping i can get my hands on it.

argh. the genius nicholas ghesquiere. you have captured my heart and placed me in a cage where i see nothing else... but Balenciaga.

the balenciaga weekender by nicholas ghesquiere.

Shall i falter and succumb to desire and temptation or shall keep my stance and refuse the apple of eden?

i think i need to make a wish

somewhere out there holds the key to my heart. the answer to my prayers. the one who completes me.

somewhere out there, the one that completes me will answer my prayers and find the key to my heart.

but somewhere out there is too vague for measure. too questionable for comfort and too.. too idealistic.

hitherto unexplored and unexplained is the enigma of what my heart desires most. but what it desires most, what it yearns more, it cannot attain. it's like wishing for a necklace of stars. impossible dreams. wishful thinking.

i wait patiently for a man to come my way. a man, not a boy. a man who is available, in every sense of the word. a man who wants me as much as i do him. who loves me as i, him. who is willing to be all crazy and childish for me because that how i'm programmed but at the same time knows how and when to be serious, to plan our future. to keep me safe.

i wait patiently for a man who surprises me. a man who ignores me when i get upset with him but goes out and bring me the stars, the moon, the world just to see me smile again. a man who pampers me and protects me from harm yet be vulnerable for my shelter. a man who let's me take care of him. love him with all my heart.

i wait patiently for a man who smothers me with so much love it drowns. drowns me in a sea of kisses. a man who will give me the space to be myself. to find myself. to be there for him.

he need not be all handsome and princely, but enough to fill my heart and soul. a man to scold me and to hold me.

i want us to sit around and say nothing. just to be by his side makes me happy. i want to be able to wake up next to him and stare at his calm face. deep in dreams. i want to figure out what it is he's dreaming about. hopefully it's me. i want to be able to take care of him and rid him of his worries. i want to cater to him. to have his dinner ready. i want us to make plans. plans about our future together. plans about our present. just plan.

perfect. my mind drew blanks as i try to finish the entry. nothing seems to make it any more sensible. this wish i have. it's quite unfathomable. unfathomably sad. somehow, i'm not sure it'll actually take place.

nobody said it was easy. and no one ever said that we can't hold on to our dreams.

"so i lay my head back down,
and i lift my hands and pray
to be only yours
i know now, you're my
only hope."
- Only Hope

me and the oldies

what is with my online profiles that only attracts men above a certain age? i'm not an ageist but i for one, am not for a january-december romance! ok, honestly, there are times when the thoughts did cross my mind and that it would be good to be anna nicole smith but then again, i don't know if i can handle it. hah! and honestly, i'm attracting old men who are looking for sex! does anywhere in my profile or my picture indicate to them that i'm in it for sex! argh. it makes me lose my mind i tell you!

things have been going on great recently. i'm recovering at a faster rate and now able to walk without the help of crutches. i'm flying off to Italy next friday and i really cannot wait for that to happen! imagine me! oh lord, i think i'm going to be "gidget goes to rome". ok, it's an old movie. hmm, maybe that's why i'm attractive the old! gosh, at the rate things are going, i think i'll be moving into my partner's house in the old folks settlement village!

please don't let it come to that. where is my prince charming? ok i'm dreaming! where is my decent guy!?

i've got the mcpheever!

so we bade elliott yamin farewell as he sang his swan song.

and the final two staying on to fight for the title are katharine mcphee and taylor hicks. if you had asked me a few months back who i thought should be in the finale, i'd tell you straight up that chris(hott! i wanna marry him!) and katharine should be the final two. but after the shocking night last week where chris daughtry was tamyra-ed and latoya-ed, i had a bad feeling that katharine will be receiving some backlash from chris' fans and other kat-haters.

nonetheless, last night proved to be an amazing night for katharine mcphee. a perfectly superb night for taylor hicks and an incredibly bland night for elliott yamin.

needless to say, tears welled up in my eyes as i watched katharine, sitted on the floor, sing somewhere over the rainbow. it was a stellar performance. a show-stopper. only a song choice before that had me worried about her safety but that second song was simply gorgeous. immaculate and executed to perfection. and the third song. i was alright with it. it wasn't great, but it wasn't bad.

i think katharine is trying to do too much in one song. everytime i watch her performance, it's like she's competing with the music. she needs to not oversing it and just put out a chilled out performance. she and mariah carey has something in common. both needs jermaine dupri to tell them how to sing properly! hah!

but i love both of them!

and taylor. honestly, a few months back, i don't understand what is so special about taylor hicks. i didn't think he was particularly good. but these last couple of weeks had me thinking otherwise. and last night. magic. joe cocker's you are so beautiful was amazing. i thought taylor had a great night and was a shoo-in for the finale.

i've nothing to say about elliott.

thus we wait for the finale next week. it'll be a kaylor finale. i'm sure it'll be a show everyone will remember. kat needs to lay everything out and just blow everyone away.

i'm not too concerned over who's going to win because i think both will make it big somehow. i believe katharine already has her career path cut out and laid out in front of her. she's a gorgeous girl with an incredible voice. if she can't make it as a singer. she'll definitely be an actress. hollywood is just a stone's throw away.

good luck.

and i've been making my rounds in idol forum. my goodness. alot of the comments are uncalled for. but really, i just wonder why people need to be so vicious and dig all the bad stuff.. just move on. gosh.

crying myself to sleep

i never thought that i'd think of you again. well at least, i never thought i'd be thinking about you in that way ever again. i think i'm weak. i'm not able to let go of you and it seems that you have. you have forgotten about us. about the times we spent together.

am i the only one who valued our relationship? or was i wrong to think that we could remain as we were forever? these questions simply replayed itselves over and over again in my mind. i don't have the answers to that.

i don't exactly know what went wrong between us. at least, i can't confirm it. i mean. you wouldn't talk about it and now i've no idea what happened between us.

kelly brought your name up. and for the next few moments, i simply became dumbfounded. it was simply difficult for me to carry on conversing properly. i could not shake your name out of my head.

"i met min in the train the other day, she's dancing for fado."

min. suddenly, it dawned on me that i haven't spoken to or of you in such a long time. when i told you about my injury, i sense the indifference amidst the cliched concerns. i don't think you care. why should you? we're no longer friends. we're just mere acquaintances who were once close. really close.

i've never cried about a woman before in my life. you're the first. and i'm determined to make you the last.

it's funny that at one point of time, i had told myself that if i was to marry. i'd only marry you. because i love you. and i still do. it's funny that i still feel that way now. no. it's not funny. it's sad.

you really really really hurt me. with the things you said and did. kelly asked me if i was sure you're not hurt by me. maybe you were upset that you were my cover up. i didn't know how to reply to that. i never forced you to be my cover up. remember when you so willingly announced that you were leslie's and my cover up without me even asking? we used to walk down the stretch of orchard hand in hand. stand in the train with you in my arms. i walked you home. i made sure you were alright. i made sure you were strong enough to face the world after marcus. and you. you helped me face the world. you helped me be strong. you kept me company and made me feel strong. and yet here i am. blogging. about you. when i don't think you even care. not anymore.

i just want all these to end. i just want to run away from here. forget everything that ever happened between us. but i cannot. i don't know how to. i tried so hard and failed. every time i thought i had succeeded, i fail.

the truth is, i'll always love you. and you. i don't think you'll ever know.

buffalo wings? but i don't eat buffalo!

blardy hell! i had never tasted buffalo wings so numbingly hot it burns before and last night was the first. paris and i went to dine at sunset grill. it's located somewhere on the outskirts of seletar camp. it's a quaint little joint hidden away between airplane hangers. it was a rather difficult find but the food's worth all the efforts to go find it. there is no way you can take a nice stroll and accidentally stumble onto it because it's so far in, it's almost like a hidden gem.

so anyway, paris and i started on our journey to sunset grill and, after much help from phil, i was pleasantly surprised to find the whole place to be rather charming amidst the whole delapidated surroundings. the friendly staff gave sunset grill a kind of warmth that was much needed.

paris and i decided on splitting the cost right down the middle so, we decided to splurge a bit. for starters we had the fried mushrooms. the dish was too oily for comfort but delectable and equally sinful. the mushrooms were fresh and succulent even after being deep fried.

then came the house specialty, the buffalo wings. they had the wings marinated in a special sauce, from level one all the way to the chef's challenge which was level fifteen. paris and i both decided to not take the chance and opted for what we thought was mildly hot. how wrong we were. the first taste i had of the marinated wings i nearly flipped out of my chair. seriously, the images of old cartoon characters like tom (from tom and jerry) blowing steam out of his ears after being tricked into eating a can full of chilli came to mind. it was hot! tamale hot! but i supposed after you get through with the first of the many, you kinda get used to it. i usually stop eating something when it's too hot and spicy but there's something about the chicken and the hot sauce that made so appealing it's difficult to stop. this is a must try! it's such a waste of a long journey inwards if you don't try the wings. maybe next time we'll go up one level! hah! i only wish!

the main course came. paris had lamb and i had tenderloin steak. both meat were juicy and mouth watering. it was truly amazing. the merlot we had was smooth. it brought out the taste i guess, but i am not a big fan of wine. there's something about the after taste that disturbs me! haha. howevere, all in all, it was a great dinner.

price-wise, it's kinda pricey though. we spent about a hundred dollars on the both of us last night. the steak and the lamb was mid ranged priced i suppose.. between $22 - $32 and the wings, well it depends on the level you choose for the hot sauce.

so, i definitely recommend this joint! the best!

happy times ... or so..

i'm blogging from work. yes, i've embarked on something new and i began working last monday. it's not a difficult job. mainly administrative. it has been quite fun the past 2 weeks i've been here. met a very (contrary to many popular beliefs of gays & lesbians don't go together) friendly lesbian. hah! all in all, work at little art bug workshop has been pretty good.

my leg's doing better now. the stitches are out but the swelling just refuses to go down! i seriously need it to go down and back to normal. i hate wearing the all white pippi-long stocking socks underneath the leg brace. it's rather annoying and not to mention warm. physiotherapy sessions are always fun. tiring but fun. i've made friends with the therapists there and some of the patients. hah. i am the social butterfly you know!

anyways, missJ said something to me this morning of which i find rather odd. he said i looked good the last time he saw me. good looking for lack of a better and more appropriate word. and he was telling me that my face or my figure is not the elements preventing me from getting the guys i want. as i pinned my mobile to my ear, trying to listen attentively to what he had to say, my mind couldn't help but to wander off. i could not help it. he was not talking any sense to me. i mean if it was that easy and that my physical features were not my obstacles, then what is? why then am i not in a stunning relationship like phil and maxine? i'm not asking for much. just enough.

so i had an appointment with dr chinatown today. i crutched my way across two huge shopping centres because my brother dropped me off at the wrong mall! record time! i needed to get to him before he left for lunch at 1230 and lucky for me i arrived at 1225 and he was willing to see me. i was very apprehensive to set an appointment as i've eaten all my pills and for the last 3 weeks i have not been taking any pills and i have been eating. i mean i was hospitalized and had food stuffed into my mouth because i have to take my medication! and so i was afraid that i had put on weight and wasted my whole month's worth of struggling. alas, my fears were unjustified.

as he weighed me in just now, i looked away because i didn't want to disappoint myself. but my eyes betrayed me and i strayed to steal a glance. I HAD LOST EVEN MORE WEIGHT! exhilirated beyond words! i started off weighing in at 99.5kg and today i was 92.5kg. i had lost 7kg in about a month and a half! -beams from ear to ear- but i'm still not in the safe region. for my height, i needed to weigh at least 84kg. or at least that's what the chart shows. so, 8kg left to lose.

i've upgraded to panbesy 30mg from the 15mg. so i suppose i'll reach my ideal weight sooner. hmmm, i think i need to tone up my body. i'm losing weight very fast and well, my body ain't very tight anymore. i suppose i need to tone the upper body to have it look good. somehow i'm reminded of a phrase from E! entertainment's dr 90210, "i now look good in clothes but my god i want to look good out of clothes too!" hah. how true.

fingers crossed then. i'll start on my pills tomorrow morning! (:

don't you know how to make a move?

ok, i'm online at the moment and talking to someone and our conversation is going nowhere! it's so stupid. it's like he gives one liners and expect me to do all the talking? ummm... i can't exactly converse when i'm the only one doing the talking! the funny thing is, he clicked on my nick to talk to me! why would you do that if you wanna keep quiet almost 80% of the time!? that's simply crazy!

and he's telling me about him being horny at the moment and asking me if i have pictures of hot guys! what the blardy fuck!? i mean, he clicked on my nick and he's talking about sex and wanting to look at pictures of other guys. i have no idea wot his motives or wot he is driving at. it's like, wot the hell.. it would have been better if he had just asked me for cybersex. though i am not exactly in the mood at the moment.

and now.. silence. seriously, we're not talking to each other. not typing. i don't know wot is happening. this is weird. yeah. i'm so not going to bother!