life's like an hourglass glued to the table
no one had actually anticipated this and i suppose seeing it happening, seeing it actually taking place in real time is somewhat making me sick.
my dad started working again yesterday and this time it's not the 8 to 5 office job that we're all used to but it's a security job. he's placed in a box right behind the school gate, guarding the school. it pains me to see that my dad has to work like that. there's nothing wrong with such a job but we were raised in a certain way and we grew up knowing how comfortable life is. now that he's working there, it just makes no sense. the change is too much too handle.
i suppose we have to deal with it. there is nothing i can do or rather nothing anyone else can do.
in other news, i sent my application for an internship with seventeen magazine. i do hope i get it. it's my dream. i mean, not to work at seventeen, but rather to work in a magazine that deals with fashion and lifestyle. pray for me.
it's close to a week now since i first took the pill. i don't think i'm losing enough weight. so i don't know. i can still see the belly and it digusts me. i just want to stop eating and stuff like that but i can't. everytime i don't eat anything, i get this blackouts and it scares me. so i eat like one small meal. the weekend was bad because i pigged out. there was chalet and then dinner on sunday. so my diet went totally out of order.
i need to lose weight. i need to lose more weight.
nicolas is coming to singapore. the fact that i lied to him, saying that i'll be out of town clearly shows how i don't want to see him. not that i don't like him. i do. but i'm so afraid to meet him. this will be our first meeting and what if he doesn't like me because i am fat? what if he finds me repulsive? i cannot take rejection and it'll kill me. what shall i do. should i just tell him that i can make it on the days that he'll be in town? or shall i just continue lying?
the flip side is that, if he doesn't like me. he'll fly back to new york and that'll be it. i won't have to see him ever again. but is that what i am looking for? i keep asking myself if i can handle that. i am not sure.
singerP said that i'm not giving myself a chance and that i should because i don't know what he is thinking. who's to say he might or might not like me? maybe he'll still like me. but am i ready to take the risk!? i don't know! it's complicated!
please let me find the answer soon.
my dad started working again yesterday and this time it's not the 8 to 5 office job that we're all used to but it's a security job. he's placed in a box right behind the school gate, guarding the school. it pains me to see that my dad has to work like that. there's nothing wrong with such a job but we were raised in a certain way and we grew up knowing how comfortable life is. now that he's working there, it just makes no sense. the change is too much too handle.
i suppose we have to deal with it. there is nothing i can do or rather nothing anyone else can do.
in other news, i sent my application for an internship with seventeen magazine. i do hope i get it. it's my dream. i mean, not to work at seventeen, but rather to work in a magazine that deals with fashion and lifestyle. pray for me.
it's close to a week now since i first took the pill. i don't think i'm losing enough weight. so i don't know. i can still see the belly and it digusts me. i just want to stop eating and stuff like that but i can't. everytime i don't eat anything, i get this blackouts and it scares me. so i eat like one small meal. the weekend was bad because i pigged out. there was chalet and then dinner on sunday. so my diet went totally out of order.
i need to lose weight. i need to lose more weight.
nicolas is coming to singapore. the fact that i lied to him, saying that i'll be out of town clearly shows how i don't want to see him. not that i don't like him. i do. but i'm so afraid to meet him. this will be our first meeting and what if he doesn't like me because i am fat? what if he finds me repulsive? i cannot take rejection and it'll kill me. what shall i do. should i just tell him that i can make it on the days that he'll be in town? or shall i just continue lying?
the flip side is that, if he doesn't like me. he'll fly back to new york and that'll be it. i won't have to see him ever again. but is that what i am looking for? i keep asking myself if i can handle that. i am not sure.
singerP said that i'm not giving myself a chance and that i should because i don't know what he is thinking. who's to say he might or might not like me? maybe he'll still like me. but am i ready to take the risk!? i don't know! it's complicated!
please let me find the answer soon.
posted by ryanstarr @ 10:28 AM
2 Comments:
At 10:51 AM,
Tish said…
Hon, if this boy wants to meet you, let him! If he is so superficial that he doesn't like you in person because of your weight, then he's not the type of friend you should want anyway. I'm sure you're a beautiful person, and people will see that if you only give them the chance. Learn to love yourself. Only then can you find true love with someone else. :)
At 10:33 AM,
ryanstarr said…
yeah. i figured that yesterday. actually i figured that out when i was at tiffany & co.
i have to give people a chance and that's true. thanks for the encouragement. i didn't realise my blog was even being read by people! hehe.
i LOVE your blog too.. esp your dating rules! haha. hilarious! hope you find the boyfriend! (:
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