on gay love and bad english

ok. i came across a gay couple's blog today. colinandkero.blogspot.com and my goodness it's super saccharine sweet it'll almost leave you diabetic. they blog about every single small detail of their lives, from their getting strawberry milk tea with pearls (because they both don't like chocolate) to getting upset over minor issues. don't get me wrong. i really think they're a sweet couple. it's really nice to read about gay kids who are not yet disillusioned by the whole gay scene and can still find love.

however, my only bone of contention with the blog is the level of english. i mean, i'm not saying people should use bombastic words but i don't believe it is difficult to string a proper english sentence. what ever happened to grammar and tenses? lord!

gay love. it's very hard to put a finger on what it is. or how it is acquired. wait, i take that back. i think it's hard to comprehend the concept of love in general.

in recent times, it appears as though i have taken to simply being an audience. just looking in on couples and appreciating love from afar. i remember yearning for love, looking for love, wanting love. now, i'm just looking at love. i don't feel so strongly about looking for it anymore. twenty one years of living i have yet to experience any form of love. one sided love i have many.. a love that reciprocated, not even once! hah. i think i'm a bit jaded. i'm too reflective for my own good. i look into things too deeply.

phil and max as a couple just kills it for me. not in a bad way. i love them to bits. i'm happy that phil found max and that the stars aligned for them to be in this immaculate relationship. their love is so pure that it gives me hope but at times i do feel the stab. i mean, i loved phil. i still do. and it makes me so happy that she makes him happy.

i remember meeting max for the first time. i already decided that i was going to hate her. i mean how can i like any girl who's taking my phil away from me? it wasn't difficult for me to hate phil's ex nadia so i thought this was even simpler. but no. it proved too difficult a task to do. maxine is simply heaven sent. and i remember at one point of time, as i sat across her, just looking at her face as she 'stones' off, i conceded, i had lost! here sitting across me is an angel. and as i had written before, she is the girl that i could never be.

ah well, like i told phil last night in our msn conversation. i know someday i'll have my own angel. i just hope it's soon because i'm tired of waiting! hehe.

in pain

they did a double bundle on me. i have no idea what that is but it hurts now like hell. i had my surgery in a jiffy. went to the specialist on wednesday and had my surgery on friday. it's crazy.

i think i spent a grand total of 6 hours in the operating theatre. now my leg is throbbing. i do hope everything will turn out just fine. i'd have to be on crutches and in a leg brace for about a month or so?

nicolas is coming this friday. i've no idea how i'm going to sneak my way out to meet him.. my mom would kill me if she found out. sigh.. somebody help me!

on gay slurs..

singerS recently turned 21 and i planned for all his close friends (read: 5gays, 1lesbian and 1in-between) to get together and throw him a surprise dinner. we did. it was perfect. perfect restaurant. mag's wine kitchen. it was expensive but delicious. it's good for special occassion's sorta meals. not the "oh i don't have anything to eat at home, let's eat out" kinda meal! it's owned by a pair of lesbian couple. i think it's cute. joint venture. i'd like to do that with my lover some day. maybe we'll start on a joint bank account. or maybe not. i might just deplete all his life savings on my penchant to splurge! hehe.

anyways, the dinner was excellent, the wine was good. quite the aphrodisiac and quite the depressant. it plays on either one. the chef (i think she's the co-owner or she's mag.. not quite sure) is a butch. omg! i was so scared of her! she had more testosterone than all the guys at our table! but she serves great food and so i'm happy. and she's funny.

overheard conversations between her and staff.

"i don't want to be the background of your pictures! it's so tourist-y!"
and my ultimate favourite, said to one of her wait staff or assisstant cook.

"it's all your fault! now my fish tastes like shit! wot the hell is wrong with you!?" i bet that shook him up a bit! haha. seriously, i was telling missJ after that that perhaps they should change the restaurant name from mag's wine kitchen to mag's wine bitchen'. comic effect! you are suppose to laugh! haha. but in all serisouness, the place is magnifique!

anyway, i was reading a post about our dinner at popagandhi.com(she's one of singerS' close friends) and she quoted something that the wait staff was overheard saying.

“Is everybody at that table from Brokeback Mountain?”

it turned into a major debate in her comments page about gays and why this question is derogatory. first of all, it has to be said that if i were to hear it, it would have just flown pass my radar. i'd just laugh it off and that'll be it. i would not even consider the implications behind the remark made. so, i thank her.

i think people in general are so used to giving out remarks, that to them it is normal and innocent. looked upon as a joke. it's like when we jokingly talk about the mats or the bengs. when we tell mat jokes. it's not as if we are really racists but it has somewhat become socially okay to joke about it as long as it is in good humour. however, i couldn't help but wonder since when was it okay to talk about things like that?

and honestly, i think we, the gay people, are also partly to blame about things. we readily make fun of ourselves and bitch about other more flambouyant gays or lesbians and we expect people not to pick up on these things? of course, to us, it's just merry banter but who's to know what the other people listening would be thinking!? they would think that it's normal or okay!

i suppose it's the same as when the african-american people call each other "nigger" or "bitch" or "ho" and it's ok for them but when other people use it, it's a big racial slur.

my point is, we should stop doing all these. stop saying all these nonsense about each other. calling each other "fags" and our straight female friends "fag hags". it's an open invitation for the non-gay people to take advantage of the words and throw it back at us! why is it okay for us to degrade and insult ourselves and we expect others to respect us!?

i'm guilty of many of these things. it's like when my gay friends and i go out. there's a malay(me), 2 chinese(paris and nicole) and 1 chindian(missJ). my favourite line to say when we all sit down is, "look at us. we're like the mobile gay benetton ad!" or when i make jokes about the malays. there was once when a group of us were out(all of us being malays) and one of my friends exclaimed that he recently got himself a good job. almost by instinct, i said out loud, "at the local 7-11?" and we all burst out laughing. it was funny to us. but perhaps we didn't realise the implications of things like these. the effects it will have on the society-at-large listening in on our conversation. to them, it is okay to make these kind of jokes and remarks because the malays said it first!

and of course, the one thing that i am very guilty of that will make popagandhi really upset with me is when i saw a hott guy. he's a friend of one of my hags(see i'm using the word but without the fag!) and i immediately asked her, "is he brokeback?" she knows what i meant. and i was just making references to being gay. and it's wrong of me to do that. i'm just perpetuating the stereotype or the use of such terms as derogatory. and that's why i said that if popagandhi had not brought up the issue on her site, i wouldn't have known better. and if u're waiting for the answer. no, he is not gay!

so at the end, we should stop doing it to ourselves. i'm learning to. so all of us should! period.

on the road to happiness

i went back to camp yesterday. i had a medical checkup to ensure that was fit to leave the military service. of course i was! fit and ready! i've been waiting for this day to come since boxing day of 2003!

i walked into camp and everyone noticed! everyone came to me and was saying that i've lost alot of weight. i couldn't help but beamed. a sense of achievement. elation. the same uniform that i wore for two years was much bigger now. much looser.

at the medical centre, they took my weight.. i lost 5kg! i was no longer 100kg. i am now 95kg! it was quite a disbelieve to me. i never thought i'd see it. at least now i've seen some results and can put my fears to rest. the fear that i was't losing enough weight. the fear that the pill is not working.

i've actually went down two pants sizes. my hips are smaller. at least according to my friends. i'm quite happy. i need to continue. 6kg left to that elusive 80+kg range. i can't wait to see dr chinatown next week and get my new prescription. i'm getting the 30mg pills. i need it. imagine the weight i'd lose after that!?

later that night, i watched my favourite grey's anatomy and there were moments that i felt were so good it'll tug at your heartstrings. it was something that i want to feel. something that i want to say. something i want to hear. i was blog hopping just now and i came across the quotes that i loved.

Meredith[to derek]: Okay… here it is. Your choice, it’s simple her or me. And I’m sure she’s really great. But, Derek, I love you… in a really, really big… pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you love you. So pick me. Choose me. Love me. I’ll be at Joe’s tonight, so if you do decide to sign the papers… meet me there.

honestly, it's something so pure and true, i suppose. i suppose that is what love is. the fact that you love somebody so much that it hurts. that every minute spent with them is divine and every minute apart, hell. and even if they ever hurt you, it's not possible for you to stop loving them because that would have been tantamount to suicide.

that night while i was in a sort of a slumber, my mobile rang. it was singerS and he was on the phone talking about jeremy. jeremy's a guy he used to sleep around with and then thigns got sour and well, the rest just did not add up to a very nice ending. in any case, he was talking to me about how he was having feelings for jeremy but when i probe further and asked if it was love, singerS shunned away, saying that that is too strong a word for him to handle.

as i float through consciousness of sleeping and actually listening to him talk, i couldn't help but wonder. what is this 'feelings' that he is talking about? is it even real? or is it just some power trip thing?

all i know is that whatever the 'feelings' singerS had for jeremy, it's not the kind that is divine. the kind that meredith felt for derek. so in all honesty, he doesn't have any feelings for jeremy. he has feelings for himself.

i kept wondering what happened the past few years? singerS used to be my very best friend. the one i run to with all my problems. we talk endlessly about things. but now, he's changed. he has become a sort of person i know not of. it's as if what we had previously never did occur. he's a completely new person now. so much a stranger. so much, self absorbed? i don't know.

i just hope he finds what it is he is looking for.

anyways, another quote i loved completely from grey's anatomy.
derek: [to meredith] Look I was married for 11 years. Addison is my family. That is 11 Thanksgiving’s, 11 birthdays, 11 Christmas’s, and in one day I am supposed to sign a piece of paper and end my family? A person doesn’t do that, not without a little hesitation. I’m entitled to a little uncertainty here. Just a moment to understand the magnitude of what it means to cut somebody out of my life. I am entitled to at least one moment … of painful doubt and a little understanding from you would be nice.

Bailey(nazi): [to derek] it's not hard. it's painful. and you already know the answer. you wouldn't be in so much pain if you didn't.

symphatize but not emphatize

the past week has got me thinking quite a bit.

i managed to catch a very good play the past thursday. A Language Of Their Own. it was, by and large, a love story. generally, Brokeback Mountain chinese version. and much like Brokeback, i shed a few tears here and there as i watched the play. it was not so much a very sad play but the poignant parts were really heart wrenching.

at the end of the play, paris asked me why i teared. the play, much like Brokeback, did nothing to him. he couldn't relate to any of the issues that were being raised and discussed. i told him that, although i could not relate to the issues as well, i could understand where the characters were coming from. and more than anything, i appreciate the poignancy of the play, thus my shedding a few tears. sometime during my explanation to him, that i felt slightly unsure. it was as if i didn't know anymore the reason as to why i was shedding those tears. we dropped the subject and went home.

later that night, as i lay in bed, i couldn't help but to ponder on the question that paris had asked. why did i cry during the play? as i tossed and turned in bed, trying to find the answer, a thought struck my mind. perhaps i was not crying due to the poignancy of the play. i was not touched by the issues raised. and if that were so, then why was i crying? could it be that i saw myself in that situation? or could it be that i could never see myself in that situation? i couldn't help but wonder.

in all my 21 years of being, i have never had a proper relationship. i've never felt true love and i certainly could not comprehend the concept of being in love. so how was it that i was able to cry at issues that i had simply never experienced before. that was when it hit me. i wasn't crying because the play was poignant. i was crying because i had never felt that way before.

i've never been in love and thus the yearning to be in love was much stronger than ever. i was crying for myself. an epiphany, some might say but in all honesty, it's rather sad. it was a rude awakening. yes, i could understand what was going on, thus i could comprehend the poignancy of the play but i could never relate to it. i was merely symphathizing and not emphathizing. that, to me, was hard to swallow.

suddenly, it became all too depressing. i don't really know what the issues are about because i cannot relate to it. and so i yearn for love. yearn for a relationship.

my shrink asked me what i thought love meant to me. i didn't know how to respond. how was i to respond to such a question? i've never experienced true love to know what it really means. right now, i only have a semblance of an idea of what love should be or might be but not concrete enough to be sure.

it's like when all these couples are telling you that at times it's better to be single than be with another and they start listing all the problems being in a relationship would bring you but all you hear is gibberish. i mean as much as they know what they are talking about, i cannot understand because i've never felt it. i've not experienced it. so i cannot fully grasp the concept of what they are trying to bring forth.

and so i start. i'm ready to meet people. i've started a new profile on outpersonals.com and i hope it works. i'm looking for dates. i'm ready to date people, to go out with people in search of the one true love. or that one relationship that could propel me into relating with everything that i could only comprehend previously.

and it begins...

weak-bodied

i've officially gone crazy.

my black-outs are getting worse than ever. last night i woke up to visit the loo and suddenly i found myself on the floor. i blacked out completely and fell to the floor, crashing into the bin, the fan, the chair.

my mom came to me and told me that i must eat because apparently grams been telling her that i haven't been eating. partly true. i mean, i don't eat at home. the food's too fatty.. but i eat when i'm out. like old chang kee! last night i drank mocha valencia and ate a cranberry scone. i managed to finish only 1/4 of a warm chocolate cake before i felt like puking! hah!

god give me strength to carry on. i'm just doing this until i get back to shape..

eleventh day

i haven't been blogging these few days. i haven't had the mood nor the motivation nor the inspiration to write. my body is getting weaker. at least i think so. i have not touch a grain of rice for about eleven days now and i'm planning to carry on with that. my daily food intake consists of coffee/milo in the morning and old chang kee fishball on a stick if i'm hungry. then i'd just not eat till whenever.

but i don't see the results! at least not very visible. and because i feel full almost instantly after eating something, i often feel like i'm reversing the process when i eat slightly more. i think i'm going crazy but i do feel like i'm not losing enough weight fast enough.

may 14th is drawing near and i need to be in shape. well at least on the way to being in shape by then. dance ensemble starts then so i have to make the cut! i need to show to the choreographer and senior dancers that i am in this for the long haul. dancing is and will be my passion. i've love it since i was sixteen and i'll continue loving it till the end.

not being cast for evocation '06 was a rather huge blow on me. i never thought that i wasn't good enough to be cast for the show. but when my name wasn't called it's almost as if i had been dumped into the bin. and yes, literally, the image of ally mcbeal where was dumped into the rubbish bin came into my mind. bleargh. i suppose i was out of shape. but not anymore. thus the continued popping of the pills.

eleven days. i've yet to weigh myself so i don't know if i lost any weight or not. i sure hope so or it would be such a waste of my efforts. but i am going to ask dr chinatown to give me a higher mg prescription. 15mg is too little to take any effect! i've a big body!

i'm going to be having coffee later with missJ, singerS and our mutual friend, chinaTrin. i'm contemplating a manicure session before heading down to siglap to meet them at starbucks. not sure though. maybe i'll have it tomorrow? we'll see how it goes.