it's called self-empowerment

... and knowingly making oneself poorer!

i was so bored yesterday that i did something totally crazy. i wrote about it yesterday and ta-dah. a crazy antic! went out and got myself a tiffany & co 1837™ ring in sterling silver! it was crazy! it was just so lovely that i couldn't help myself. i kept staring at it and smiling to myself. natalia thought i'd have gone crazy! hah! now if you had bought for yourself a tiffany ring.. you'd go crazy as well!

i felt a sense of elation. somewhat complete. it's like nothing i've ever felt before. i've always had this notion that anything from tiffany & co should be given to you as a gift and a ring especially should be from a loved one. but not anymore. it's like there isn't anything else in this world that you needed. everything is here and now. makes one believes that all the answers to our questions can be solved with a little blue box tied with a white ribbon.

everyone needs a little blue box in their life! so go. pamper yourself. do yourself a favour. get a tiffany & co item. for you. from you.

yawn-induced!

oh my goodness.. i'm bored beyond my wits end.. i might do something crazy later!

life's like an hourglass glued to the table

no one had actually anticipated this and i suppose seeing it happening, seeing it actually taking place in real time is somewhat making me sick.

my dad started working again yesterday and this time it's not the 8 to 5 office job that we're all used to but it's a security job. he's placed in a box right behind the school gate, guarding the school. it pains me to see that my dad has to work like that. there's nothing wrong with such a job but we were raised in a certain way and we grew up knowing how comfortable life is. now that he's working there, it just makes no sense. the change is too much too handle.

i suppose we have to deal with it. there is nothing i can do or rather nothing anyone else can do.

in other news, i sent my application for an internship with seventeen magazine. i do hope i get it. it's my dream. i mean, not to work at seventeen, but rather to work in a magazine that deals with fashion and lifestyle. pray for me.

it's close to a week now since i first took the pill. i don't think i'm losing enough weight. so i don't know. i can still see the belly and it digusts me. i just want to stop eating and stuff like that but i can't. everytime i don't eat anything, i get this blackouts and it scares me. so i eat like one small meal. the weekend was bad because i pigged out. there was chalet and then dinner on sunday. so my diet went totally out of order.

i need to lose weight. i need to lose more weight.

nicolas is coming to singapore. the fact that i lied to him, saying that i'll be out of town clearly shows how i don't want to see him. not that i don't like him. i do. but i'm so afraid to meet him. this will be our first meeting and what if he doesn't like me because i am fat? what if he finds me repulsive? i cannot take rejection and it'll kill me. what shall i do. should i just tell him that i can make it on the days that he'll be in town? or shall i just continue lying?

the flip side is that, if he doesn't like me. he'll fly back to new york and that'll be it. i won't have to see him ever again. but is that what i am looking for? i keep asking myself if i can handle that. i am not sure.

singerP said that i'm not giving myself a chance and that i should because i don't know what he is thinking. who's to say he might or might not like me? maybe he'll still like me. but am i ready to take the risk!? i don't know! it's complicated!

please let me find the answer soon.

of paranoia and so many more.

i think i'm spiralling slightly. i don't think i am losing my weight fast enough. i still feel rather fat. i'm not sure what is going on.

not five minutes, ago i visited a friendster profile of one of my former classmates. don't like him that much, but he was really quite a nice person. anyway, he used to be this fat boy and now he has shed all the weight in army and i am battling weight issues! my heart is beating really fast. i am not sure how come but it's something to do with the fact that at this moment i can still feel my flab. i know it's still too early to actually see drastic results but i really feel fat. it's like i don't want to eat and just go exercise so as to increase the chances of losing more weight. i don't have the time now because of tuition lining up till 6pm. i think i'll be dead exhausted by the end. maybe later tonight.

i sense a slight paranoia in me these few days. natalia said it's normal and part of the side effects but honestly, i can do without it. it's making me feel a little anxious and irritable.

day three of taking the pill was crazy. as usual, i had my morning hot milo drink and went off to do my daily chores. halfway thru i got hungry and bought myself a curry puff and a stick of fishballs from old chang kee. boy was that a mistake. i felt so full, like as if i had just finished an entire ten course meal by myself. i felt nauseas like i wanted to vomit but can't. it's crazy. apart from those two guilty pleasures, my diet has been mostly liquid. which i think is quite bad since i'm getting bouts of blackouts here and there. i think that means low blood.

phil asked me to do him a favour last night. go out and get flowers for his mom and deliver it to his house. and i did. the things i do for him still. it's crazy. it's really nothing though. i mean friends do those things for one another right?

i hope i can lose the belly by the end of the month. nicolas emailed me on fridae. he wants to come over to singapore sometime late april. how is that even possible!? i need to lose the weight before he comes over. i'm afraid of rejections and i'm afraid of people not liking me. argh! just let me get by these hard times gracefully. please let me lose the weight. please. i need to shed all the fats.

give me something that'll put me to sleep

ok, so this is day two of taking the pill. i just popped in one about half an hour ago. honestly, nothing much has change. except maybe for the appetite. yesterday was slightly weird because i was feeling full but i had this crazy craving to munch! i don't know why. natalia said that it's normal, so i'm just going through the motion.

i started feeling hungry at around about 3pm, like major hungry. my stomach was growling and such. i bought curry puff, ate half and was already full! major improvement. i was very impressed. i know weird way of putting it. but i've always been one to eat alot and when i stop just after eating half a curry puff, that's an achievement! hah!

no insomnia experience last night. i went to bed right after watching america's next top model: cycle 5 reunion (to which i firmly believe that coryn is a man!). so no complains about sleepless nights. then again, it could be the beginning stages. so, let's see how the days pass.

my belly's beginning to shrink. at least i think so. although, one of the side effects is hallucination. so maybe i'm hallucinating! haha. honestly, i don't know what i am thinking.

so i'm a bit bummed out about not being able to go for the Singapore Fashion Festival 2006. i really wanted to catch the Missoni, von Furstenberg and Ashley Isham shows. i guess i'll have to wait when i actually become someone in the fashion world. maybe a formidable editor. till then, i'm very upset.

MissJ is going for the MTV Fashion Rocks event tonight and was discussing, or rather, attmpted to discuss with me what he should be wearing tonight. of course, i was not really participating in the discussion. more like agreeing without even listening. what can i do? i was jealous. i am jealous!

so today looks set to be a rather wet day. been raining since yesterday. i've tuition later on in the evening. new kid. he's rather smart so i'm very excited about tutoring him. i'm always excited when i get intelligent students. it gives me a certain nudge to teach properly. cannot wait!

not now, at least not at the moment

waiting for that time to come. when we could share a moment together and the only thing that surrounds us is the cool breeze of the night. the only light shining down upon us is the pale gaze of the moon. and the dark sky littered with sparkling diamonds.

if only the man i have been searching for stands before me and whispers in my ear the things i'd long to hear. alas, i have to wait. for it is not written in the stars that i receive what my heart desires. not at the moment, at least not now. life's a bit of a mystery. when you feel like giving up completely on love, it shows you that it still does exist. that it is slowly infecting the people around you. and you begin to discover that if you let go a little bit, things will happen as it should. it's taking quite a while to reach me but i'm sure the moment will come.

my new found optimism somewhat surprises me. could it be that the love between phil and maxine is making me feel all blurry. but all is well. thus far at least.

a new day has come

day one:

i just popped in the pill about an hour ago. ate 2 slices of wholemeal bread for breakfast. nothing much. i don't feel any big changes or any different from how i was feeling before. but at times, i did feel the heart palpitations and the tremors. not that serious though. just slight. i'm supposed to be feeling energetic but i am still rather sleepy! haha! perhaps this is the first day, thus the body adjustment is taking quite long.

so yesteray, i ate everything that i know i'll have to stop from today onwards. hah! i'm not hungry anymore though, so i suppose that is good news.. but i am craving for something. i don't quite know what. just craving. i sound pregnant! hah! my lips are getting dry, and i feel full. i think i'm suppose to feel like this all the way through. hmmm, wonder what time i'll fall asleep tonight. hah!

rainbow's end

and so it begins. my journey to be thin and fit.

i went to dr. chinatown today. i was a little apprehensive at first. it was my first time and after so many reports on side effects and what it can do to my internal organs, i was pretty much afraid to go through with it.

but he was very nice and friendly, comforting and made me feel at ease. and as i sat there on the chair next to his desk, i kept hoping and praying that this was my answer. and after he took my height and weight, the words he uttered next came as a surprise. not because i wasn't expecting it. but surprised because i wasn't expecting the reaction i gave.

dr. chinatown: "princess sparkle, unfortunately, you are fat"

those few words would normally send me into a frenzy. an emotional spiral, if you may. but those exact same words were rather comforting. it made me want to better myself. aparently for my height i should be weighing in at an ideal weight of 84kg. but at present, i am whaling in at 99.5kg (i saw 100kg, he saw 99.5kg.. i don't know how!).

so now i am being prescribed to panbesy 15mg. that's half the normal 30mg that is being prescribed to other people. dr. chinatown said that i need to start low since it's my first time popping pills. i hope it works just as good as the 30mg. i sure want to at least see some results.

i left the clinic happy. waiting patiently for tomorrow when i can start popping the pills. but, with every good thing comes a catch. there are side effects. he warned me of those side effects but hey, what do i care? i need to lose the weight. i need to get back into shape and get into the game.

so i went googling panbesy online. so here's what i got. the side effects include dry mouth, gastro-intestinal upsets, palpitations, abnormal heart rate, increased blood pressure, restlessness, insomnia, tremors, rashes, headaches, psychosis, depression and agitation. i read this time and again to make sure i understood what i am getting myself into. i think i'm ready for it. whatever it takes, i'll do it.

and so now i wait. when i go to sleep tonight, i'll be praying that night would pass soon so i can start on the pills. my next appointment with dr. chinatown is on april 20th. hope there are improvements.

dr chinatown said that we can expect a drop of at least 3kg by the time i see him next. -fingers crossed-

till then, ultimate pms and sleepless nights awaits..

dashed dreams

natalia didn't get the SQ gig. it's really too bad though. i mean, we worked so hard for it. it must be real hard for her. but she's strong. so i suppose she'll make it through. she's a strong girl. and a beautiful one at it! so i have no doubt that she'll score on the next tryouts!

singapore airlines really do not know what they are missing. honestly, i look at all the SQ girls and i think to myself how in the world did some of these people made it through? it's like the Miss Singapore Universe story! that's a whole different chapter altogether!

i don't understand the need for such a competition anymore. why are we wasting our money on such futile competitions searching for unpretty bimbos? yes some of them are smart but honestly, god is fair. he gives you some, he'll hold back on others. goodness! the money could be put to good use like contributing to the ever expanding business of the mobile ice cream vendor! a more worhtwhile cause than wasting money on untalented group of unpretty/unsmart girls.

and what is with the mediacorp contract? i don't even see them like promoting good causes such as cancer research or whatever it is. now, it's like winning the title means a one way ticket to mediacorp (which is not exactly a golden ticket)! ah well, people make stupid decisions all the time.

nat, i love you still! you're still a flygirl to me! (:

every long lost dream

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
- Rascal Flatts, God Bless the Broken Road

how amazing that a simple country song can touch my heart. can speak to me in so many levels. in ways i cannot even begin to comprehend. i long to feel like this. i long to feel the exact emotions that flows through the song. how amazing that must feel.

i know of 2 people who are so deeply in love it gives me hope but it makes me lose hope all at the same time. it's like there is only room for one couple to be so happy that it is almost impossble for me to attain it. but one thing remains though, phil and maxine really made me believe in love once again.

the funny thing is, maxine is just like me. she's like the girl i know i'll never be. the girl that is inside of me. it's amazing how alike we are in our ideals, our wants, our desires. well at least the real girl version of me is getting what her heart desires. i'm still awaiting for mine to happen. i suppose it's when i least expect it.

oh well, where are you my king? many new moons have passed but i have yet to even get a glimpse of who you are. hope guides me. until we meet my king. until we meet.

sparkling therapy

we are definitely drifting apart. i'm actively taking myself out of the equation because it's not all of you that is the problem. it's me. so how can i be so selfish as to have the people i love and hold so dear be a part of the torture and the pain i put myself through. it's a conscious choice that i made. and something that i will have to live with.

therapy was good. and at the risk of being ridiculously obvious.. therapeutic! i think i needed that. someone not from our world to kind of read me. to sort of listen to what i am saying. i came in knowing what my problem were and left knowing exactly what i needed to do. a little lost than when i first walked in. my mind is in a mess and i think i told him alot of issues that might be a little bit too confusing for him. oh well, let's hope things get better by the next session.

sunday @ 1230! don't be late!

rainbow wishes

i love the fact that my blog is pink! and that i am princess sparkle! (: